The idea came to me in a blinding revelation as I sat at home snarling at the television and grumpily reflecting on how football has interrupted my football season. The award of the World Cup to Qatar has not only interrupted the Premier League calendar but has led to many more years of whining at the historic allegations of corruption which seem to dog so many sports.
Yet, once again, the world’s shortsighted sporting bodies have failed to spot the wider commercial possibilities. They have missed what is surely the greatest opportunity since the sport of tyre changes was introduced to Formula 1. It is time to swap brown envelopes for gold ones, furtive backhanders for brash announcements. Yes, it is time for the Bung Olympics. There is, after all, no reason why such contests should be limited to arms dealers.
I see this as a celebration of financial acumen and raw geo-fiscal power. Instead of condemning the heads of sporting bodies, it is time to celebrate their deal-making skills with special awards for maximising revenue to both their sport and their executive committee.
Although I call it the Bung Olympics, it would be open to all sports prepared to take the next leap. All one needs is a globally popular sport and an international competition to host the tournaments. Soccer and the Olympics are obvious early pioneers, but the siting of tennis grand slams, Formula 1 grand prix and golf majors could definitely allow those sports into this new arena.
There are some difficulties. The sight of besuited men haggling over campaign contributions to a political party on a Caribbean island might not scream “great TV” but, in the hands of skilled producers, with background music to build tension and a jolly Geordie narrator, I definitely see potential. “Oh look, he’s thrown in a crate of Cheval Blanc 1947, a display of outrageous boldness”.
There would be trophies for each sport, both for the new host and recipient of the greatest largesse, with a grand cup for the sporting body which most enhances its own revenue. There might be a special brass neck award, say, for clinching a lucrative alcohol sponsorship then banning its sale at the event.
The other great attraction is that it should be possible to structure it to be a far more inclusive sport. There are a number of small countries with neither a great ambition to host tournaments nor any realistic expectations of performing well within it. Here is a way for them to gain global status by competing to rake in the most cash for their vote. Such behaviour is cruelly frowned upon now, but in our event the head of a national sporting body could become a hero to their country, securing major infrastructure projects in return for supporting the award of a tournament to a well-heeled autocracy up for a bit of judicious sportswashing.
To create event TV, the top five recipients of largesse will be invited to a play-off final in which would-be hosts must still battle to secure their support with one last payout. Strategy will be everything. Should the final bribe go to the nation, or will the clincher require a discreet payment into a numbered Swiss bank-account? Private detectives, dirty tricks and high-end hacking will be positively encouraged.
Naturally the likes of Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer would give way to a new show, complete with a bung of the month award. No more dreary analysis of the 5-4-1 formation. Instead forensic accountants will dissect the terms hashed out at some sun-kissed beach club.
This may seem dry stuff but it is a game of skill, strategy and large brown envelopes, or perhaps cryptocurrency, whichever feels more disreputable at the time. Those working on the TV concept are still torn over the correct moment to introduce escorts into the process. Bringing them in early could help build audiences, but late deployment may allow for a big bang finish.
I realise this is still an embryonic concept but the moment is clearly upon us. The money men must stride out of the back rooms and into the light. And remember, it matters not that you won or lost, but how you bought the game.
Follow Robert on Twitter @robertshrimsley and email him at robert.shrimsley@ft.com
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