How can my siblings and I resist a lot of conflict in sharing the care of our dad who has Alzheimer’s disease?
Maintaining open communication between siblings is essential in providing care for a parent with Alzheimer’s disease. As your dad increasingly relies on all of you to provide care and support, the amount of conflict can increase. As the disease journey progresses and each of the siblings participate in his care, sibling rivalries can be rekindled, and friction can sometimes tear the family apart.
It is very helpful to organize a plan of care for your dad. Gather your siblings for a family meeting to exchange ideas and share responsibilities and tasks. There should be a lot of frank and open discussions to determine everyone’s obligations and roles and what future plans are to be made in the care of your dad. Each sibling, for example, can offer what he/she is able to do. Some may have special skills or talents in areas of finance, home maintenance, nursing, etc., and therefore, roles can be mapped out easily. Oftentimes, among feuding siblings, family meetings can be arranged by a social worker, mediator or counselor who works with the siblings for a mutually agreed-upon plan of care. They can find and build a middle-ground among the siblings and therefore, build a positive consensus among them.
Sibling disputes over the care of their parent, or parents, often have undertones related to injustice and inheritance. A sibling may express a sense of unfairness as he/she shoulders most of the burden for caring for that parent. By virtue of distance, sometimes, siblings who live further away are somewhat “off the hook” when it comes to the caregiving and thus the nearest siblings take over the caregiving responsibilities. Conflict may arise when the caregiving siblings request help from the other siblings and they choose to either ignore or criticize the way the caregiving siblings are taking care of the parent. This then becomes a constant source of hurt and resentment for those siblings who are assuming the daily caregiving roles. Again, communication plays a key role in helping things run smoothly in your dad’s care.
When money is in the mix, conflict typically arises among siblings for power and control. When a sibling or siblings feel overburdened by caregiving, money can compound the conflict. The caregiving siblings may feel they deserve a greater share of an inheritance because they have shared more of the caregiving burden. Or conflict can arise when one sibling has control over the finances and other siblings feel that too much money is being spent on the care of the parent. Your dad’s financial situation should be openly discussed at the family meeting and you and your siblings can come to an arrangement on spending practices to achieve your dad’s wishes in his plan of care, and also agree to appoint someone to be fiscally responsible.
Your dad’s journey with Alzheimer’s disease could be long and arduous, and caregiving is stressful on its own without the weight of family conflict and dissension. Ultimately, you and your siblings should realize it is all about your dad and his care and quality of life, so everyone should strive to let go of any anger and/or long held resentment. Should there be an uncooperative sibling, move on through acceptance and understanding so that your dad receives the utmost in care, and doesn’t have to feel he is the source of conflict for his family.
Questions about Alzheimer’s disease or related disorders can be sent to Dana Territo, author of “What My Grandchildren Taught Me About Alzheimer’s Disease,” at thememorywhisperer@gmail.com.
